Yay high

Yes he is.... yay high... all 160-something cm of him.

And yet, although probably because of his height, I find him so adorable. Is there such a thing as height-ism?

A recent addition to my group of friends in Singapore has caught my eye. He's 10 years my junior and acts it. He's cute, smart, and nice. He reminds me of myself 10 years ago. The difference is, he's quite confortable being his gay self at that age. I wasn't. Kudos to him.

He makes me smile when I see him. Always with that bounce on his feet. Maybe because he's trying to catch-up with the stride or maybe he's just really chirpy. Or maybe it's because he knows that an entire future is ahead of him. Maybe that's the draw.

Oftentimes, I find myself liking guys who have what I don't have - guys I wanna be or wish I could have been at different phases in my life. Is this normal? I don't know what normal is anymore. All I know is that I like this kid and that the world, at least the gay world, is his oyster... an oyster I want to wash, clean and serve him on a platter!

Damn, I'm getting old.

Raj and Me

I was quite apprehensive about bringing a third to a date but Raj was adamant. He was coming along no matter what.

So Raj and I stolled along the river, knowing very well that we had time before meeting our date. We were both anxious about how the date would turn out as it has been quite a while since we last had a first date. We said to each other, if the guy has a problem with either one of us, then we shouldn't be fussed.

We met him at the lobby of Gallery hotel before deciding where to eat in Robertson Quay. We finally settled on Boomerang for dinner.

Raj noticed that the guy was a bit cross eyed. I tried to ignore that observation and tried to focus on his eyes... well, whichever one that I thought was looking directly at me...

Then Raj pointed out that there was something amiss.... It wasn't dead air nor the fact that the standard first-date topics seem to be forced. There was something weird about this one... something missing.

The dinner went smoothly and he seemed to be comfortable enough to pick on my side dish of french fries. After dinner, we moved to Epicurious for coffee and dessert. That was when Raj and I noticed that he was trying to broach on intimate topics. I obliged and went along with the teasing and innuendos. And yet I knew that there was something missing....

After cofee, we decided to go home and he offered to drive me home. We were just making light conversation until he said, "So, are you going to invite me to see your place?"

Raj practicaly jumped out of his skin. It took a while for me to say "err.. yeah sure..." while running through the current state of my apartment. Bed neat? Check. House clean? Check, Beauty products tucked away? Check!

I was still a bit unsure what was gonna take place... still thinking that he was just curious about my flat or wanted something else in exchange for dinner... Then, almost as soon as we walked into my apartment, he kissed me...

Raj told me that this one wasn't gonna make it to the second date. Too bad... I liked him before I got to know him. But now, I felt nothing. No, wait... I felt used. But let's not complain about that, really...

The good thing about the whole night was that I realized that I'm ready to get back in the game. Raj also agreed that I'll be fine on my own next time.

So, on that note, I finally pricked Raj off my nose.

So long Raj, my companion, my partner in crime, my zit... down the soapy drain you go.

Don't Drink and Text

At 2 o'clock in the morning, the phone beeps... an sms came in... from an unknown number.

"Hey K, in bkk now... I'm drunk..I wanna tell you sth...I miss you."

The groggy recipient didn't need to wonder who it was from. Sth was the giveaway.

He pressed Delete then slept back.

There were pretty good reasons why the sender's number was deleted from his phonebook. One of which is to prevent sober thoughts from becoming drunken texts to ghosts of exes past.

Mrs Dy, Ang Labo Mo

K,

Seriously, stop messaging me with hints of wanting to catch-up because it's very hard for me....

Really hard....

... to stop myself from asking if you've already grown a spine. When you finally do, then just go ahead and ask me out. Do not hint or try to take my temperature on this....

Because I actually have the spine to say yes or no straight away.

K

Are we there yet?

5 years in the making....

The One started chatting me up again, saying that he "has dealt with his demons and proposing we "catch up and figure the other stuff as we go..", wants to meet up.

I've compartmentalized him so well that I don't even know how to begin.

So here goes nothing....

I'm doing this to find out where it leads to.. an end or a beginning.

Wish me luck.

Teka teka

Writing this one down because, amidst being truly sad about a break-up, I think this nugget will someday make me laugh…

After agreeing to have a short break to think things through, K and I decided it was time to have THE talk. Of course, I already knew what he will tell me and was well prepared with my well sharpened responses. I knew he wanted to break-up with me in a way that was patronizing and agonizingly immature. I knew this. I was prepared. He was going to suffer….

I told myself that I deserved a decent break-up scene that will test the fine line between cool and composed complete with subtle dramatics that will make anyone unprepared cling on to their wits…. I’ve had 8 more years experience so I knew this 26-year-old will struggle…. And I won’t even offer a lifeline…

Leche-ka! I-wanna-see-you-squirm-through-this-ordeal was the theme of the evening. I was well primed and ready. Game on, boyfriend!

Need I say more? I was angry.

So we had dinner at a place he introduced to me and drinks at a bar I will likely never go again… perfect. I was very formal all throughout. Showing the least bit of interest at how he was and knowing very well that this egotistic youngster needed to feel like the sun shone from his wazoo. Not tonight dear, this break-up evening was to be all about me, how he made me feel, and how disappointed I was.

So, with much discomfort, he started the talk. Then his obviously well-rehearsed decision came out…”It’s not a ‘No’ but maybe not now dot dot dot” followed with, “Maybe we can be friends for now and see if things progress into something deeper later on…” Verbatim yan. I have a freakish way of remembering things….

So I said, “Ok…. Friendship is nice but you’re working under the assumption that friendship was even an option. I never said it was. We will hardly ever see each other and you will almost never hear from me because our lives are different.... Plus, I can't handle it. So, this friendship that you are talking about, is not likely to happen...”

Then he said “Ok...maybe not now...but we can be friends later on, right?”

Eto na… I said, “We never had time to be friends. We started dating immediately and progressed from there… We only met-up once a week and most of the time, we weren’t really talking… so I have no idea how you can possibly think, that in that brief amount of time that you deemed was good enough for me, we actually had something to build a friendship upon… I fooled myself to thinking that it was more but, let’s face the fact that we were just weekend hook-ups. Because of this break, I see things clearly now and have a lot of things in perspective... So if you’re telling me you want us to be friends, based on how we were, I only see us as f!@# buddies….Nothing more!...I care about my friends and I make an effort to have relations with them. I cannot say the same for you now after everything that has happened between the two of us… So it's a 'No' and 'No, thanks' for me...”

Then he started crying.

Huwhat?!?

Note to self. Prepare to comfort the person that hurt you the most. No matter how your heart is breaking... Seeing that person cry does not make things any better.

So there I was. In a sad bar that I hope to never set foot in ever again, trying to make him feel better for carelessly breaking my heart.

I'm still sad now… but you have to agree that this night was a bit surreal. Even for me.

Cue-in canned laughter… any minute now…

In these shoes?... I don't think so.

I asked two close friends what exactly I was sad about and they said that it was the rejection....

Rejection is always a bitch specially if you when you opened up yourself to it.
I thought K would be different so I actually allowed myself to fall head over heels - not with him per se but with my imaginations of us.

And now that reality has struck my warm and cosy bubble, I found myself exposed, flat on my face with heels high up in the air.

So here I am, trying to pick up the pieces and dusting myself after my fall. I’ve done this before, so it should be a cinch. The lesson is to avoid wearing too high a heel.
The fall, although it will still hurt, will be much less unglam.

I’m putting my trainers on for now….